Was standing at the desk inside Mercy Hostel, Chiang Rai. Charging my macbook, just happen to come across "This mental habits fuels depression".
Realising I might be depressioned if I follow the video defination that depression is not the present of pain but instead it is the absent of happiness. It mention that I might be discounting the positive in life and no let happiness touch me as a defend mechanism.
I first must realise that this thought is present in me so that I can break down my defensive mechanism and then slowly recover to allow joy entering the body.
Looking at the sight of the temple, I took a picture and appreciate the nice view and feel that I am living in the present.
Jackie cook lunch again. Clean and healthy meal again. Someday I weighted myself I am 73kg going to 75kg. Really suck. I need to do more exercise but now is like moonson period the rain had not being stopping for 2 days straight. I never had seen so much rain fall in Singapore before.
Healthy meal of saba fish and Cai Xin
Today we do spring cleaning. I moved the newly bought metal shelf and move it to the kitchen. Sort out of leather craft tools box and clean up more of my mum stuff. I even sort out all of my mum’s photo albums and compile them to only 3 books. This will be all my physical photo moving forward.
I don’t know if I still working when will I never work on the photo album. I doubt my mum will even work on her photo as well. But today I spend the whole day sorting out her photo and I am loving it. Slowly take all out and select. Keep track of numbers of slot and then slowly fix it back via chronological order. I am really grateful that I do not have work at the moment so I can do simple and memorable task like this.
I had a feeling that my life purpose in life is to back track on my ancestor, grandma and so on. Those things that they had left for me, I do need time to look into it, assess the worth and think how to generate value out of it. Those value that was not enjoyed previously by these owner, I felt my job is to use up the value if not these item will always be bought and stored without any purpose other than passing it down to your children and then they will have a lot more things of a burden. You know things that was passed down by parent is hard to 断舍离. It really takes effort to let go of these things.
Packed for Clement to stay for a short period of time
Today uncle iPhone heat up repeatedly turning on and off. The phone got so hot that it’s too hot to touch. The phone die off after the battery went flat.
Enjoying mud bath during island hopping
We went to a shop to repair and the men started to say he will open up the phone and dry for 50k ($3). It is so cheap and it almost felt like a trap. The men proceeded to open the phone fast and swiftly. I saw the workmanship apparently he is very skilled so I don’t know why he charge so cheaply for opening and drying for so little money.
It’s too long so I went around to shop. Uncle called and say the men took the phone away as he say he need to PC to help to test the phone. Later the men return to show that the phone still couldn’t open and suggested him to change LCD with 3 kind of grade. Uncle ask me if he should proceed. Although I already felt it was a scam but I didn’t tell him as his objective is to repair the phone so that he can access his data in the phone.
He decided to go for 2.2mil ($120) screen the highest quality. He didn’t take back the original LCD which I ask him to pick it up from the shop later he say he told it from the trash bin. The original LCD got 狸猫换太子. The men got a business, charged $120 for a grade A LCD and got himself an original iPhone LCD as spare parts. I knew because I was in this industry before.
Question, if knowing the truth in this world hurts. Would you want to let ignorance people know about it? Red pill and blue pill which one would you choose. Letting people know, once it’s been seen it cannot be unseen. My experience is when I tell them the truth sometime people will be sad and say why this world is like this. They became very sad but unfortunately it is the truth. I started to ask myself if truth is really that important?
Since young before primary school, I was a strong believer in friendship. I was always the first who initiated contact with friends after we graduate for a gathering and catching up. But to my dismay, a lot of time this kind of affection is one-sided. I was almost a bit jealous of friends who got into new clique to the new environment. It like I am having withdrawal symptom towards friends "moving on".
After secondary school, I already understand there is almost no friendship that will last forever. So I tell myself, 朋友是阶段性的。And after the army, I understand that friend is mutually beneficial and you are automatically excluded when you are no longer useful. 朋友是互相利用的。
Over time, from extorvert, I became an introvert. Excluding myself from gathering, get together, almost like social withdrawal.
After the "big bang", I was rescued by 3rd Uncle who brings me back home. I was paranoid and constantly on the edge of the feeling that I was under supervision by the authorities. I constantly doing streaming on Belive and FB. A bit siao liao.
I threw a way macbook, Iphone X, passport, Iphone 7 and my favorite Addidas Blue dry fit. + many many more. I was at the airport and brought back a macbook air and Iphone X. The spending spee started.
One of my friend Alan had point my attention to a recent article about Jim Carrey sanity and I would like to discuss a little more and provide my own insight into this episode. Jim is one of my idols and he is famous for his role in ACE ventura and The Mask. He is of course known to be a comedian later turn into a inspirational figure to many as he is also a two time winner of oscar.
The purpose of my articles is the Jim Carrey shares a lot of common attritubes as me, of course excluding the measurement of success and influent. I am definitely not remotely suggest I am like Jim carrey. I would like to use his story as a reminder to take away for myself.
When I was younger around 12, in my head is all about thinking to age faster till 18 so that I will have the freedom that I had always hoped for. After my parent let go of me and I finally get to decide what I want to do with my life. Instead of heading towards freedom, I am slowly getting trapped.
Where are you now, Gary
From the very first day when we are born, our destiny is one less day towards death. The clock ticks seconds by seconds and nothing can be done about it. Bruce Lee once said that "If you love life, don't waster time, for time is what life is made up of".
Recently, one news shocked me. My grandma passed away, and I was really close with them when I was smaller. Ah Gong had pass on since 2004, I remember blogging about it when I was in the army. Changes had changed and people and attachment had changed. Had a different feeling about life and death now compare to 13 years ago. In-between these 13 years I felt Ah Ma had suffered a lot. I still remember when I was at Ah Gong wake, Ah Ma was already wheelchair bound from stroke condition. But then she was still conscious albeit she had loss the abilities to speech. She weeping as she falls from the wheelchair and crawled towards Ah Gong coffin was then a heart wrecking scene till now I couldn't forget. She knew she had lost someone she love and had spent a whole life with. Its so hard for us to see that.
Imagine that event had happened 13 years ago. She was already wheelchair bound from stroke, lower half body was paralyzed and had already lost her ability of speech. She passed on in year 2017. Imagine what kind of life have you need to go through for these 13 years with all these suffering? Can't move and can't take care of yourself, constant need someone to attend to all your needs of feeding, changing and toileting. She can't express her angry, dismay, saddest, and any emotion cause you are already mute from lossing the ability to express from speech. Can you last through so many years of being misunderstood and the inability to express? How are you going to maintain your sane?
Due to my parent marriage status and my dad irresponsibility I had not been paying them visit since 6 years ago not even on New Year. Time passed and Ah Ma had also lost her conscious. She can't recognize people not even kinship. I remember when I visited her in 10 years ago when my parent are still together, although she is bed riden but she still happy to see me, she will hold my hand beside the bed and squeeze my fingers. Although she can't speak I know how much she had missed me over all my other cousin. The kind of passion that I can't put across in words. The moment i felt the whole world had stop and the time was only between me and her. The reason why I was so doted when I was small is because I am the first 男丁 to the family. My father was second boy in the family, but my father born me before the elder brother's give birth to 大孙. In ranking I am second but I was first born into the family as the first grandchild. Also my father was so irresponsible compared to his brother so I was ditched with my grandparent when I was young, only I stayed with my grandparent hence I had the closest kinship with them over my other cousin.
Why I didn't turn up for New Year had to be account back to how my useless father and of course because of my inability to earn and I had took a long way to start earning a descent income. I was so old and I was still single. All my relative had to give me red packet and my parent need not give them back as most of my cousin was married. I am embrassed to even go collect red packet during new year. And my father was always away during new year there are even one year I went alone to Pai Nian and I had to pack my own red packet for my cousin to conceal the fact that my parent was not around to give them red packet. Since then I did not turn up for New Year celebration at their house.
Birthday celebration in 2007
New Year in year 2008
As such, I had not been seeing my grandmother for at least 6 years. I went on to become busy with life, and met all my desire, I grew more and more practical and heartless. I didn't even remember who my grandparent was anymore. Life changes people and I was completely a douchbag. Last Dec (5 month before my grandma passing). A very sudden though made me visited my grandma during off peak date, not on New Year to avoid my relatives. The thought was so sudden and random I something wonder why had I make the decision to go see her. And that was the last time I see my grandma. When she see me she cannot recognize me anymore. She didn't hold my finger like she did last time.
Random visit in year 2016
I sometime wonder what force had make me went to visit her in 2016 last year. At least that was the last time she see me. I wonder is it God's define plan. He gave me the chance and allows me to make good our relationship. And he brings me to her, her favorite grandson in front of her death bed before she leaves the world for good. Nonetheless I was very fortunate and grateful that I went to pay her a last visit.
In life nothing last forever. Passion dies, money bring you more desire. Loves is the only thing transcent time. The love that she had gave me unconditionally reminds in my heart. This is the legacy and how you can leave behind a trace of life in this world. I recently said that I was 爱无能, and that I had no purpose in life. I think by not giving love you can't receive love and hence the vacuum of purpose in life. I hope I can trust people and give out more love around me. I want to leave something behind.
Finally after watching so many show drama and variety show, today I learnt a very interesting words. Pygmalion effect. I wanted this word so much because it can be use to describe me but I didn't know the words to describe it.
A lot of people ask me why I can be successful in some area and absolutely suck at some other area? How do I say it.
Some of the area that I sucked in includes:
Secondary school study where my AGG score is 45.
Army Regular life as a very oblivious soldier that don't know what is going on around me.
Sembcorp as a soul-less assistance Engineer
Self employ in mobile shop, not motivated to excel.
In GE, where I lost all purpose in life.
Some area that I excel in includes:
Primary school where my PSLE is 213 (Express) when I didn't even study anything at all.
Private O at age 23 where I pass 5 O level with AGG 15 in 9 months.
Diploma study with 3.96 cert with merit and chance to local U
Citibank with 2 years of outstanding performance.
till today I am still very proud of the blue in Citi
Sembcorp Scholarship in Diploma study
Now, these few days I had been pounding hard. Since I had so much potential in life, I knew I have, I don't like people very act humble and I just like to be honest with everyone including myself. I do have a lot of potential to take off to really great height. But why wasn't I at the top?
I have the answer and I am going to share with you all.
Pygmalion effect
I perform through Pygmalion effect, it an effect that you can performance extremely well under other people's expectation. In another words, the more expectation people have on me, the better I can performance. I first notice I had these abilities / effects when I was taking my private O. I obtained my special abilities "tunnel vision".
Tunnel vision was develop during age 23, when I was studying in Queensfield private school at Middle road. Tunnel vision allows me to be super focus and driven with one goal in the end, all my muscle memory and very cell move towards archiving only one goal, no noise no distraction no nothing. I had slept thru my secondary school hence I can score 45 on 5 subject. My account paper during school name is 1/100. Because I only know how to draw the T diagram and the title I remember "Balance sheet as at 31 dec 19XX". Very paper I took I got 1/100 because I did the T diagram. This is how bad. My combine science is shit cause I didn't listen in class don't even mention about Periodic table. The only atom I know is H20. I know I am technically wrong cause H20 is not an atom but a compound. I write I as though I was that bad. With tunnel vision I scored B3 for account, A2 combine science and A1 mathematic in 9 months. When people need 2 to 3 years of study to achieve that. I don't know about you but I was impressed my myself. Of course, the people that unleash my potential was Peter, my tutor in that school.
In Ngee Ann, same. I want to mention Mr Teo Ee Huat, he is the one inspired me to take up the course CEE and I want to credit to my first exam with him that I scored over 90 which make me realise that I can make it in poly. So the Pygmalion Effect snowballed. I reached the top and have no intention of coming down.
In my life, I also quickly realise that I do not need motivation to fuel my success. Because ultimately, motivation is a passive emotion. You can wake up one day motivated and the next day you are not. So if motivation isn't the recipe what is? Actually, a more suitable word should be routine. Like you getting used to report work at 9am for so long you actually feel comfortable waking up to reach office at 9am. Being late makes you feel uncomfortable because your routine are already formed. But for somebody to form that routine, there will be a inertia call "pain period". Its usually difficult to roll a stationary object but once the force needed is overcome, with the momentum you can roll the ball easily. So actually you do not need so much discipline to overcome the pain period. You just need that enough discipline to last you thru the pain period and the desire (not motivation) to help you. In Citibank, thanks to Hansel my boss whom triggered my desire and he forced me and see me growth out of the pain period to stay enough discipline to form a routine. With that I used this formula to achieve great height in this job.
Some people have desire in money, power, fame or woman. Which I don't have desire in. So money is not a motivation factor for me. This make me have a downturn in my GE insurance career. Non existence of pygmalion effect cause no one is expecting anything from me. No tunnel vision or desire to obtain anything. I am now experience a phenomenon of emptiness inside me. 随波逐流. No emotion is flowing inside me. I can't feel shame, rejection or hatred. Even lost of money and kinship is not making a large reaction with me. I realise now I lacked the most important element in by formula.
And that is purpose. Life purpose and the calling that make me understand the reason of me waking up everyday. I am so lost with no purpose at all. No purpose to earn a living, no purpose to mix with people and no purpose to talk to anyone. If I still can't find my purpose in life, I will not be going to be here for very long. So reader, if you happens to read till here. Let me share with you my ultimate formula for success, hope you can take away something for here. Purpose > Desire > Routine > Pygmalion effect > Tunnel vision (focus) > SUCCESS!!!
These formula work like a charm of me. I went thru it and I will endorse this is a real formula I used in my past to get great height.
I am feeling lousy recently. And now I am heart broken. I don't know how to put them in words but I can't bare to let go. However, I am grate that both of us is as happy as being separated which made me a wit bit grateful about that. Sometime its not about me and also not about you. That's that. Not suitable at the time of event, either me too old for that or she too young for it.
However, nutshell she is still a very nice lady. Good heart and simple. She should deserve someone better and she entitled more care and concern where others are able to provide. I should not strip her the chance to make mistake, to play, to mingle and to growth.
Me. I don't deserve anyone. "I don't play well with others" - Fear T shirt.
As i am sitting at meiling coffee shop having 排骨饭加两粒蛋 by myself, the breeze was extremely chilling tonight. Finally i have some time sitting down, slow down and think.
Just watched the razor tv, the date loft, seeing the glamorous lady, an ex-pageant had been hunting very long for her happiness. She is coming to her late twenties. (28) Still so picky. Ya la. Its her whole life of happiness at stake. Cannot fault her for being careful right.
For girls, 25-27 you are yet to marry you are call 剩女. 28-32 you are middle class sheng called 剩斗士. From 32-36 you are dangerous already. They call you the high class sheng, 斗战剩佛 and 36 onward, the special class 齐天大剩 belong to you.
Sometime its wise to be cautious when choosing the right one. But don't be overly picky. That isn't the best one out there, only the most suitable one. Many a time, when finally u lose someone away and you will see it from her next relationship that you actually think why you didn't seize the chance and let it slip away.
Every relationship goes through stages. Where and how each stage develops is ultimately up to each person. While we always hope for the best, we often can't avoid the inevitable.
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared.
He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours
as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
Then it stopped, as if it couldn’t go further. So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and
snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.
The butterfly emerged easily but
it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.
Attended the "workplace interpersonal skill" workshop at MIS. Special thanks for the trainer Celiecia, for being so motivating and encouraging. She helped me to open up and unleashed my true nature.
Sucess in a way I built rapports with everyone including the trainer. I felt appreciated. Some of the remarks were as followed.
"-its fun to have u in the class
-i liked ur working attitude
-u have to work on ur spelling"
"hi gary, i liked the way u present your problems at ur workplace. U are so direct and honest. U have the potential to do a higher level of job. Keep it up"
"like: you are a joker
Dislike: be confidence"
"be focus
Good out going nature"
"evina and gary are outspoken persons. They are sharing their views in the class which is very useful"
" -A fun person to work with
- be sensitive to others"
" i liked the way he made the whole class laugh with his humor"
These are small annoymous notes circulating at the end of lesson for reflection and they made the whole course worthwhile.
The night didn't end here. Being so motivated, I went to Toast Master queenstown division the second time. Back to back, enroll a member and took up Table topic for the night. Straight away present can.
So the impromptu topic was; What is the different between a wild beast and an evil friend. Wild beast endangered your life while evil friends endangered your soul.
Surprisingly, my "ah" counter was no bad at all. Perfect score for "ah/eh". Couple of "em", "so" and repetitive words. Overall, grading 6/10. I did okie but not great.
A small reunion talk as I bumped into Maggie for spear Coy. Maggie is a guy so Liping do not worry :)
UPDATES: The dark cloud clears after the rain and of course, I am wrong about her. Turns out, I am the one more paranoid and ya, I should not draw to conclusion this early. She is not talking about me.
If "you" is referring to me (which I positively thought), then I ma super pissed. Why am I always getting these kind of wrong accusation?
If you are in doubt about me, please ask. Don't assume. If never picking up your call at 12 doesn't means that I am ignoring you. Could it occurs to you that I might be busy or the phone is not with me? For this case, I am sleeping. Is sleeping till 4pm a crime?
Give some respect to me. Don't like taking all this for granted. Am I always obligated to handle all this drama?
The problem is all about you drawing to conclusion to soon, without even bothered to ask me about my problem. All negativity thoughts. Is talking about a problem so difficult that you have to completely ignore that and accuse me base on your assumption.
I felt many of my effort to change not appreciated. Please think it through. There is not reason for you to type all these. Is that a threat or what?
My dearest buddy got married today. Well Ho Lilian will now be officially addressed as Mrs Goh. Congrats to Mr/ Mrs Goh, formly known as Dan and Lilian. My feelings are in mixed bag, on one end I was happy to see my best buddy engaged herself to a man, but on the other I felt I lost a sister. A big sister.
Lilian have always been like a Sister as well as my best friend since like we were 14. A decade had passed, though we aren't so close as compared to school time, but there is always the special connection and the comfortable feeling when we meet up once in a while. She walk me through my teenage phases, and the experience we had, were still vividly clear in my head. Don't bore you with all the details, but all the memories are for us to keep.
I mean not that we are any different after her marriage. We will still be the best of friends and always be with each other when we need each other. So glad we met.
As promised, I will have to deliver the exciting titles. So beginning from that day when we ran away home, two of my besties came to offer their help. Come to think of it, when we starts working, friends are getting lesser which is why the same faces keep reappearing. Well, anyway, that's fatty bombom. If this picture doesn't melt your heart away, I bet nothing can. She was initially shy when we brought her home, thinks she needed some time to acclimatize herself. She didn't drink or eat as much as expected, but she is recovering.
Alright, speaking back to the day after I quarrelled with my father, Ethan and CLP joined me the next morning helping me carry stuff back to my aunt house at Chinatown. After unpacking everything at there, we explored the place a little, I still know my way around as I stayed there when I was very young. We bought some DIY material to cage my pig. Let's see some action from us.
My new view at Chinatown
CLP mothering her with vitamin C water
Ethan measuring dimension
CLP acting 'involved' in front of camera
Woooo, fatty likes to be tickles at her belly.
Finally, fatty pom pom warming up her new house
Updates: CLP had brought fatty pompom back to her house at Woodland. We were so afraid to let her father know about it, but he just happen to came back home while we were setting up the cage for her. I was so afraid that he might be like my father, throwing tantrum at us. Surprisingly, he just asked me what was that and where did we buy at. Whao!!! Now finally, fatty can have a nice place to sleep in.
P/S: Sorry for the boring entries that were abruptly ended. I do not have time to really sit down and write.
We brought a guinea pig, named fatty bombom. A typical introduction will be me introducing the guinea pig as a new member to our family and how all of us adore the new pet, ending with a happily ever after. However, not for my case.
This guinea pig had precusored a family tragedy which likely leads to a divorce between a couple, a complete tie cut between a father and son and a ugly situation of family members competing for monetaries. This is my introduction for my pet.
Its overrated to put the blame on the pet. Put it this way, an already shattered family without love for each other, is like a high pressured; leaking gas cylinder. So readily to combust and a pet had triggered an ignition. BOOM!!!!!!!
When we bring home fatty bombom, I thought its only courteous to inform him about it. No rymth and reson he started to scold me and complain about me using air con and not doing household shore, bla bla bla. And he threaten to throw my guinea pig out the next day. Through out the whole commotion, i just kept my silent. I do not know what did he said. Somehow he just manage to waken the bengness in me, like when i was 17. The past which i tried hard not to become, buried deep in some neverland. That moment I erputed, like totally being taken control. In my trance, my adrendine maxed out where my body gain awareness peak, fight or flight mode. My heart raced, pupil dilated and every single pores excreted cold sweat. The adrendine rush overwhlemed me and trying hard to find source to disspate, so it ended up making my whole body shiver. Its not that i am scared, i am so ready to take him like a men, one on one we talk outside kind of fight. My poor old lady stood between us attempt to stop our fight. We exchanged valgurities at each other, he proclaimed himself as the owner of the house, scolded CLP as well, telling her he don't ever wish to see her again at our house. Is either of this reason or the fact that he said he don't wanna pay electric bill lim peh and lim bu decided that we have hax enough. If its hard ball he wants to play, then hard ball it is. We had a short debrief between lim bu and CLP, we want a divorce and we are moving out.
We are comtemplating a series of pay back. We gotten sweep him off guard. But its very confidential to disclose our plan now. So check back later. As quickly as possible i applied 2 day urgent leave with my boss at 11pm at night, by the next morning we packed our essential stuff and we are gone staying at my aunt house. Clp and ethan came helped me to move. This isn't childplay or a getaway. This is for real and it gonna be permanent. We are dead serious. 有你没我的境界. But we must do the divorce asap so he would not have the time to react and also to prevent my mum from giving in again. She is very flicker minded on this and she had already endured him for so long.
2nd morning, we went back and packed our other stuff, i even moved my desktop, 人去搂空 basically. Stay tune, for future exciting titles:
Can I not be so lazy anymore. I nelgected my blog for so long not just because I don't have the time to write it, but I am really lazy. Okie, enuff nonsense. Something happy to share about.
Liping and I had just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. Many people foresee our relationship to not last that long. How can such two different person to be getting along so well. Our secret receipt is not to compare with other couple and be contented with what we have. Besides, compromising and understanding to each other is very important. So the special night, we just have some home-made cheese platter and red wine while spending quantity time with each other. That's enough. (For me)
So long never went oversea together. last time was to shenzhen. So that day went over with CLP and her sister, she brought some clothes at lucky plaza, we ate dinner together at road side hawker. End up I brought nothing. Learnt that custom in Malaysia had some major make over.
Good news aside. Now don't mention NUS or BBDC to me. Because when you add these 2 things together. I become unhappy. Dinner, motor ride, telephone number...... All is so shit. Hate hate hate. Why something like this had to happen during one 1 year anniversary?
I guess I am a pretty stubborn person. What I think its right, I will stay firm ground regardless of what people say. Sometime I might be wrong, but I still will not regret my action. However most of the time, I am right.
Friend sometime crosses your path, touches you heart and before you truely wants to uphold the precious relationship. And puff, they are gone. We are just a chapter in their life book and so are they in ours. Remembering nothing in this universe last forever, every one day beyond the begining is just one day nearer to the end.
Don't live your life compromising yourself for others and do not seek for recognition. End of the day you are out there by yourself and you need to make decision by yourself. Choices that affects our life is only fair if we made them ourselves. Believing people blindly put our reliance on others but we should train ourself for independant decision, intuition, rationality and plain guts feeling. So what if we are wrong? Doesn't mean people are right too.
