Saturday, May 06, 2017

Ah Ma passed away

From the very first day when we are born, our destiny is one less day towards death. The clock ticks seconds by seconds and nothing can be done about it. Bruce Lee once said that "If you love life, don't waster time, for time is what life is made up of".


Recently, one news shocked me. My grandma passed away, and I was really close with them when I was smaller. Ah Gong had pass on since 2004, I remember blogging about it when I was in the army. Changes had changed and people and attachment had changed. Had a different feeling about life and death now compare to 13 years ago. In-between these 13 years I felt Ah Ma had suffered a lot. I still remember when I was at Ah Gong wake, Ah Ma was already wheelchair bound from stroke condition. But then she was still conscious albeit she had loss the abilities to speech. She weeping as she falls from the wheelchair and crawled towards Ah Gong coffin was then a heart wrecking scene till now I couldn't forget. She knew she had lost someone she love and had spent a whole life with. Its so hard for us to see that.



Imagine that event had happened 13 years ago. She was already wheelchair bound from stroke, lower half body was paralyzed and had already lost her ability of speech. She passed on in year 2017. Imagine what kind of life have you need to go through for these 13 years with all these suffering? Can't move and can't take care of yourself, constant need someone to attend to all your needs of feeding, changing and toileting. She can't express her angry, dismay, saddest, and any emotion cause you are already mute from lossing the ability to express from speech. Can you last through so many years of being misunderstood and the inability to express? How are you going to maintain your sane?




Due to my parent marriage status and my dad irresponsibility I had not been paying them visit since 6 years ago not even on New Year. Time passed and Ah Ma had also lost her conscious. She can't recognize people not even kinship. I remember when I visited her in 10 years ago when my parent are still together, although she is bed riden but she still happy to see me, she will hold my hand beside the bed and squeeze my fingers. Although she can't speak I know how much she had missed me over all my other cousin. The kind of passion that I can't put across in words. The moment i felt the whole world had stop and the time was only between me and her. The reason why I was so doted when I was small is because I am the first 男丁 to the family. My father was second boy in the family, but my father born me before the elder brother's give birth to 大孙. In ranking I am second but I was first born into the family as the first grandchild. Also my father was so irresponsible compared to his brother so I was ditched with my grandparent when I was young, only I stayed with my grandparent hence I had the closest kinship with them over my other cousin.


Why I didn't turn up for New Year had to be account back to how my useless father and of course because of my inability to earn and I had took a long way to start earning a descent income. I was so old and I was still single. All my relative had to give me red packet and my parent need not give them back as most of my cousin was married. I am embrassed to even go collect red packet during new year. And my father was always away during new year there are even one year I went alone to Pai Nian and I had to pack my own red packet for my cousin to conceal the fact that my parent was not around to give them red packet. Since then I did not turn up for New Year celebration at their house. 


Birthday celebration in 2007
New Year in year 2008
 As such, I had not been seeing my grandmother for at least 6 years. I went on to become busy with life, and met all my desire, I grew more and more practical and heartless. I didn't even remember who my grandparent was anymore. Life changes people and I was completely a douchbag. Last Dec (5 month before my grandma passing). A very sudden though made me visited my grandma during off peak date, not on New Year to avoid my relatives. The thought was so sudden and random I something wonder why had I make the decision to go see her. And that was the last time I see my grandma. When she see me she cannot recognize me anymore. She didn't hold my finger like she did last time.

Random visit in year 2016
I sometime wonder what force had make me went to visit her in 2016 last year. At least that was the last time she see me. I wonder is it God's define plan. He gave me the chance and allows me to make good our relationship. And he brings me to her, her favorite grandson in front of her death bed before she leaves the world for good. Nonetheless I was very fortunate and grateful that I went to pay her a last visit.



In life nothing last forever. Passion dies, money bring you more desire. Loves is the only thing transcent time. The love that she had gave me unconditionally reminds in my heart. This is the legacy and how you can leave behind a trace of life in this world. I recently said that I was 爱无能, and that I had no purpose in life. I think by not giving love you can't receive love and hence the vacuum of purpose in life. I hope I can trust people and give out more love around me. I want to leave something behind. 

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