on the way on my father's car, he was crying. i was very sad but i could hold back my tears. it was my grandpa who was dieing. but i wasn't that hurt. the bond with my grandparent was very strong till i moved back with my parent when i was 10. our relationship also fade away with time.
when i enter the room i saw all my relative. the one laying on the bed was my grandpa. he was so skinny, not the one i used to see. those cheerful smile and lovely eye weren't there anymore. all my relative was crying cos they have lost a good father. i didn't relise that he passed away until they asked me to hold ah gong hand and tok to him for the last time, asking him not to miss us. those hands was cold and stift. no sign of living anymore. looking at the expressionless face, i feel like crying. he could no longer hug me in his arm like he used to do when i was small. no longer pinch my nose and joke with me anymore.
"ah gong, pls go where you should go. i am big enough to not let you worry. i will not be sad but i will miss you.." that is wat i told him on the bed.
my grandma was in another hosipital becos of stroke. she probably taking her rest alone in the ward with the other patience. would she sense that she had lost her loved one. i don't think so. we are still discussing weather to inform her about this matter. thinking of her condition, that she can't take any bad news at the moment, we decide not to tell her that ah gong passed away. half of my relative arranged for the funeral while the other half pay grandma a visit. we hold back our tears and pretend nothing happen. she was still angry with ah gong cos he havn't pay her a visit for a long time liao. never did she know that ah gong was bravely fighting with the cancer though he lost his battle. thinking that she couldn't see ah gong when he passed away make my eyes red. she can tell that somehing is wrong with me but she doesn't know wat happened. she love me the most in the family cos i am the first grandson of her family. she waved twice with me when we go home. i can tell that she miss me a lot cos it have been so long that i last visited her.
second day of the funeral. ah ma discharged from hositial. uncle brought her to the funeral. she broke down into tears and fall from her wheelchair. she want to go see ah gong in the coffin. she scream and shout asked ah gong not to go. we were all sad that she was trying so hard to mumble words clearly out of her mouth cos of her condition on stroke.
but to me i think ah gong was forunate enough not to suffer too much before her pass away. he had suffer so much for the family and maybe this is the time he take a break. He is resting somewhere. i don't know where. he no longer in this world liao but he is still deeply missed by us.
I've never talked to anyone about my grandparent before, for i am afraid that i wouldnt be able to control my emotions. Now, i am able to talk about her here. Writing really calms me and it allows me to express myself freely without any fears or worries.
Looking back, I've been such an immature and insensitive person. I complain about everything in the world. I complain for having a monotonous life, i complain about not having enough money. Perhaps i should just be contented of what i own now. The truth hurts, but life is really very short. It might be a blessing that your day might be dull, for nothing unfortunate has happened to you or your loved ones.
Life is short, we should really cherish the people and things around us. You never know what would happen to them or yourself tomorrow. Yeah, and don't be afraid to try new things out, for you only live once.